(This is a follow-up from the “breakup postcard” blog, otherwise known as “The Navy’s looking better all the time”
Here’s what I’m working on these days: to let certain people be who they are and do what they want to do.
Now I’m not talking about your kids here – although I have none of my own, I would imagine I would let my kids be who they wanted but sure as heck not do what they wanted. Nobody likes to see a five year old snorting macaroni and cheese up his or her nose, and I’m pretty sure that’s what mine would want to do.
No, I’m talking about other people in our lives – such as boyfriends/girlfriends, family, and friends. We all have expectations about the people in our lives. These expectations come from a gazillion different places – our experiences, stories, Snookie and the Jersey Shore crew – and we expect those around us to live up to those expectations. But some people will never be those expectations for us. And so, here is what I have decided:
I will choose close friends in my life who really want to be there, and I will enjoy my other friends for what they bring into my life – be that what it may. All of my friends do not want to be close friends. Some simply want to be occasional hangout buddies. I have learned not to expect anything more from them – to just enjoy them for who they are and what they bring during that season. And to not try to force them into a different role.
Some friends don’t really want to be in our lives at all. I’m not sure if some even like us. And we keep hanging on long after the friendship should have ended. Have you seen “The Hills”?? I don’t even think most of them want to be around each other!! Some of our friendships are now toxic, and we just need to let them go.
Some family members may never play the role that we wish them to play. We can be bitter and passive aggressive toward them, or we can accept that they may never fulfill that expectation and try to enjoy what we can out of the relationship.
Some people we date may not wish to be the person we envision in our minds. We can try to change them for the next thirty years, or we can look at them as they are – to either enjoy that person – the whole of who they are, or decide to try to find someone who might better fit our mental picture of a mate.
And that’s it – the essence of it. Easier said than done. Harder done than said. To lose the expectations of who we want people to be, and love them for who they are. And let them go when they really don’t want to be in the picture at all.
Kinda is an author, teacher, speaker, entrepreneur, and hopeless wanderer. Her favorite places in the world include Manarola, Italy, and Gimmelwald, Switzerland. In her free time, you can find her bargain shopping and hanging out at coffee shops.
Well said..to have the wisdom to know what season our relationships are in and to treat them as such is key. You are a very wise young woman. I consider you a friend,in fact I read your blog about the postcard to my students last week, I introduced you as my really cool younger friend who is an author and instructor.
Ahh thanks Jennie – I consider you a friend as well – AND a cool hangout buddy! ;-D It’s just so much more freeing when I stop trying to control people and situations and just take them for what they are….
LOL thanks for the props to your class – I can only imagine the reactions you got…ha. See ya soon!